Sorry...

Dear Soldier,

For some reason, I feel awful that I did not write yesterday. Its the least I can do, but I forgot. I simply forgot. I spent the day lounging and watching movies. Although I did write you a hand written letter, so I guess i'm not completely horrible! (lol)

How have you been darling? Are you staying safe and thinking about me? I dreamed about you again last night, somehow you have found your way into my dreams every night recently. My philosphy is if I am thinking about you, and you are thinking about me at the very same time, right before I go to bed, then somehow, you magicaly appear in my dreams. BUT if you think about me as much as I think about you, then there really wouldnt be a whole hell of a lot of time that I dont cross your mind :) {did that make sense?} I am just merely happy that I get you at all... even if it is in my dreams.

Last night I dreamed about kissing you. I dreamed we were strolling down the street hand in hand. Bundled up with scarfs, hats and mittons. The snow was fluttering down silently, in an perfectly played orchestra. White surrounding us, and smiles on our faces. Contentment warmed me, and when you stopped me, placing your hand upon my face my eyes looked at yours. snowflakes captured in my eye lashes. You tilted your head, and guided mine with your hand. Your lips parted, and your eyes closed. I kept mine open for an extra second longer, just to look at you for one more moment, to study your face, to remember the perfect memory of this kiss. Your lips reached mine, and I felt the moisture and the passion. Your other hand pushed me closer to you, and rested on my lower back. Your tongue entering my mouth, and chills rush up my spine. We were intune with eachother, the kissing magical not methodic. You knew what I wanted before I asked, and I couldnt get enough. Then just before passion could overtake us completely, we were bombarded by snow balls.

I live for dreams like this honey, and I only pray that dreams become reality some day. So, while you are surviving the desert, i'll survive the tundra.. and in several months, i'll meet you in the middle.

waiting for summer....
Love you,
love,
me!

dreaming about you!

Dear Soldier,
Last night I slept for 12 hours. Yes.. 12! I agree... it was rediculous, but it felt SOOO good. I realized at 7:30 am when I woke up out of routine that I had nothing. Not one thing, that I needed to do today. No child to run after, pick up after, feed, or clean! No meetings, no pending business. Nothing. *sigh* so I slept, and I slept, and I slept! I kept dreaming of you, and I kept forcing myself back to sleep. Just in case I could hold on to you one more minute, in my dreams.

In my last dream we were sitting in this coffee shop in the corner of this little cafe. The walls were brick, and there was a fire place. The logs were burning, and the warmness made it feel so cozy. There were these pretty painted plates above the mantel and the waitresses were dressed in colorful t-shirts. I was sitting indian style (sorry if thats not politicly correct, but I have no clue how else to state that.. lol) per usual in the booth, holding your hand. You were looking at me with that look I seen so often. You lips had this simple, satisfied smile spread across them, and I was telling you this story, with all the animation and "facial expressions" that I know you love. It wasn't anything spectacular, it was normal. I wish we would have had more time to just have normal dates........

Then I woke up, and after hours of forcing myself to sleep, I realized it was passed lunch time! My gosh, I thought, i'm being FAR too lazy today. So I forced myself "up and at em' " and went upstairs to visit with my mother, and my niece & nephew. It's been fun to spend time with them, especially since i'll be leaving soon.

I am sorry that I havent been home to mail those letters, but trust me as soon as I make it back home that'll be the first thing I'll put in the mail. Is there anything else you would like me to send? Just let me know and i'll be sure to put it in. I keep finding little random things, that I know you will like, and sticking them in there as well. Mention to your mom that she can put stuff in there too, and we can mail them all at once. :) So you can have a big wonderful care package coming your way.

Well I suppose I've been lazy long enough. Its off to the shower, and then maybe i'll mosey around town, and get wraped up in its charm!

Wishing you were here, and missing you like crazy! Hope to talk to you soon!
Love you,
Love,
Me!

(these are pictures of my parents town.. such a quaint little town!)

Happy New Years VIDEO :)

Hey honey, I made this video, just waking up on New Years morning. Its really dark and fuzzy (i need to invest in a video camera, or at least a stand) but at least you'll get the sound of my voice! I love you very much, and here it is, my messy hair, smeared make up and all :) !

love you,
love,
me

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

Dear Soldier,

I wrote a letter that I posted in a moment of regreat. I deleted it before you could see it, because I knew that in the morning I would wish I had never have posted it. Sometimes it is hard, and you know what I'm talking about... BUT moments like last night make everything better.

Spending New years eve with you was amazing. Even though we were hundreds upon thousands upon BAZILLION-MILLIONS of miles apart, via webcam I had one of my best New Years eves, ever! Drinking sparkiling wine, and seeing you :). Total bliss.

You are so handsome. I was startled again, by how handsome you are. It reminded me of our first date again. How awe struck I was by your features. Your tan skin, and your dark hair. Your beautiful eyes, and the way your lips part into a perfect smile. You are my "ideal" man in so many ways. You are so gorgeous, and I am so blessed that you want me in your life.

I love that you find me beautiful. Of course there are others, that have told me I was pretty, but when you tell me it, you make me believe it. I dont know if its the look on your face or the tone in your voice, but I believe you when you tell me that I'm pretty. I believe you when you tell me that you love me.

If you dont get extended, I really hope that we get to have New Years together again next year! Only next year, I hope I get to be sitting with my legs across your body, watching movies, cuddled up on the couch. Then when the clock moves itself closer to midnight, we'll turn on the news, and watch the ball drop. Making out like crazy, and then making love. :) That would be my perfect New Years next year. Of course, I would love to eventually go to New York, and watch the ball drop in person, BUT next year, I want you all to myself. I want to be able to soak you all up!

Well, I'll post a video some time today... and i'll try and make it a little bit longer!
I LOVE YOU HONEY.. and I hope you had a little fun on new years!

LOVE YOU,
LOVE,
ME!

Wish you were here!

Dear Soldier,
This is the first time since you left that I honestly felt the NEED for you to be here. I craved your body... I needed someone strong to hold on to. I needed someone to stick up for me, to hug me, to hold me, to tell me everything was going to be okay.

Yesterday was so awful. I was made to feel like a horrible mother, and a horrible person. I felt so low. Logicaly I know I am a good mother, but in the moment, i felt lower, then low.

Times are tough, and things suck right now, but hopefuly things are looking up. It was nice being able to talk on yahoo messenger today, although it wasnt nearly as great as on the phone. Its still just nice to know that you're okay, and that you care.

I'm going to keep this one short, but know that i'm praying for you and I love you.

Wishing you were here more then ever,
love you,
love,
me!

R&R

Dear Soldier,

March-April...

When I think that in only a few months, I'll be able to see you again, my heart is filled with excitement. I can not wait to run into your arms and hold you and just look at you! I think i'll spend an hour just holding your hands and stareing at you! I know it'll feel completely unreal!

Today was a fun phone conversation. I loved that it was just normal. We didnt talk about our relationship or anything too mushy, just day to day normal stuff. It was funn to be silly and joke around with you. It felt like you were a block away, not hundreds of millions of bazillions of miles away! talking to you is so easy, and again, i'm just merely glad for your friendship.

I think I may be moving home, for a while. Maybe i'll be back by the time you come home for good, or maybe i'll move back eventually, but it'll be nice to save some money. Even if I do though, I'll be coming down for your entire R&R even if I have to rent a hotel room. Then we could swim and relax by the pool. Sounds like bliss. Esp. if we throw a few beers or margaritas into the mix :) mmm! Cant wait! Once I know the exact dates, i'll start a count down on here, and we can really get into it!

Well missing you like crazy, and so happy for the phone calls.
hope to talk to you soon,
love you,
love
ME!

The day you left...

Dear Soldier,

In every movie, tv show, and book the goodbyes are always so romantic. Long passionate kisses goodbyes. Long looks into each others eyes, hugs that could last for hours.....

Ours was less then that, in so many ways. I have apologized for the way things went the day you left, and I think I need to reiterate that point... I wish that I would have held you longer, kissed you more passionately, and never faught. I wish I would have made love to you, and held you all night. I wish I would have told you how amazing you were, and looked you in the eyes, so I could memorize every color and spec. I wish I would have touched your face, and kissed your kneck. I wish that our goodbye could have been something to hold on to, instead of something I want to forget.

So instead of the goodbye.. I want to remember another special moment. Do you remember walking in the park? We were so careful about the kids. We didn't want them to see us together yet, so I finally pulled you behind the car and kissed you. I couldnt take not being able to feel you against me for one more second. Your smile, melted me into a puddle.

We walked along all the gardens, letting the kids run in front of us, picking up acorns and wallnuts. You picked "your princess" a flower, and my "little mister" plucked it right from her hands. I dont think she even minded. (what a sweet girl!) You held my hand and wrapped your arms around my waist. It was such a perfect afternoon. I had all my favorite people together. We had planned on going to the zoo, but instead we decided to do things a little simpler. I'm so glad we did. It was such a sweet day, I loved every second of it.

That next morning, I think it was close to three or four a.m. when we said our second "goodbye". I thought I wouldnt see you again. At this point, I knew I was falling for you. When I held you, and you said goodbye, I didnt care that there were four people watching me sob, and kiss you goodbye. As you drove away, I watched you drive away as far as I could see, before crawling back into our make shift bed on the couch, and cried my eyes out. I missed you already.

Oddly enough, we had several more of those. Darn military, not knowing when you're actually leaving! :) Maybe thats why, I didnt cry and hold you the last time. I had already let go. My heart just could bleed anymore. Or maybe, I just thought I needed to be strong for you. Then when I finally got to the hotel room, it bled just a little more.. and my heart ached more then I thought possible. Its funny, as much as it hurt to say goodbye.. It felt even greater to be with you.. and to know how much I care about you.

I hope we get another wonderful day in the park together, with the kids. You're such a great dad, and when I see you with your daughter, it makes me fall for you all over again. I hope you know that she may not understand now, but she will. You will be her hero, and she will be so very very proud of you! Just like me! If I get the chance some day, I will tell her just how often you spoke of her, how much you told me you loved her, and the pain I seen you go through to provide a life for her! She is so lucky to have you as a father, and whether your ex grasps it or not, you deserve and need to be in her life! I love that you fight for her :)

Well, this is kind of a ramble, but I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I guess this letter writing every day is as good for me as it is for you! I get to throw all my thoughts out there, and feel better.. and you get to know that I am thinking about you daily. Always..

Praying for you, and wishing you the warmest holiday wishes!
Love you,
love,
ME!