Wish you were here!

Dear Soldier,
This is the first time since you left that I honestly felt the NEED for you to be here. I craved your body... I needed someone strong to hold on to. I needed someone to stick up for me, to hug me, to hold me, to tell me everything was going to be okay.

Yesterday was so awful. I was made to feel like a horrible mother, and a horrible person. I felt so low. Logicaly I know I am a good mother, but in the moment, i felt lower, then low.

Times are tough, and things suck right now, but hopefuly things are looking up. It was nice being able to talk on yahoo messenger today, although it wasnt nearly as great as on the phone. Its still just nice to know that you're okay, and that you care.

I'm going to keep this one short, but know that i'm praying for you and I love you.

Wishing you were here more then ever,
love you,
love,
me!

R&R

Dear Soldier,

March-April...

When I think that in only a few months, I'll be able to see you again, my heart is filled with excitement. I can not wait to run into your arms and hold you and just look at you! I think i'll spend an hour just holding your hands and stareing at you! I know it'll feel completely unreal!

Today was a fun phone conversation. I loved that it was just normal. We didnt talk about our relationship or anything too mushy, just day to day normal stuff. It was funn to be silly and joke around with you. It felt like you were a block away, not hundreds of millions of bazillions of miles away! talking to you is so easy, and again, i'm just merely glad for your friendship.

I think I may be moving home, for a while. Maybe i'll be back by the time you come home for good, or maybe i'll move back eventually, but it'll be nice to save some money. Even if I do though, I'll be coming down for your entire R&R even if I have to rent a hotel room. Then we could swim and relax by the pool. Sounds like bliss. Esp. if we throw a few beers or margaritas into the mix :) mmm! Cant wait! Once I know the exact dates, i'll start a count down on here, and we can really get into it!

Well missing you like crazy, and so happy for the phone calls.
hope to talk to you soon,
love you,
love
ME!

The day you left...

Dear Soldier,

In every movie, tv show, and book the goodbyes are always so romantic. Long passionate kisses goodbyes. Long looks into each others eyes, hugs that could last for hours.....

Ours was less then that, in so many ways. I have apologized for the way things went the day you left, and I think I need to reiterate that point... I wish that I would have held you longer, kissed you more passionately, and never faught. I wish I would have made love to you, and held you all night. I wish I would have told you how amazing you were, and looked you in the eyes, so I could memorize every color and spec. I wish I would have touched your face, and kissed your kneck. I wish that our goodbye could have been something to hold on to, instead of something I want to forget.

So instead of the goodbye.. I want to remember another special moment. Do you remember walking in the park? We were so careful about the kids. We didn't want them to see us together yet, so I finally pulled you behind the car and kissed you. I couldnt take not being able to feel you against me for one more second. Your smile, melted me into a puddle.

We walked along all the gardens, letting the kids run in front of us, picking up acorns and wallnuts. You picked "your princess" a flower, and my "little mister" plucked it right from her hands. I dont think she even minded. (what a sweet girl!) You held my hand and wrapped your arms around my waist. It was such a perfect afternoon. I had all my favorite people together. We had planned on going to the zoo, but instead we decided to do things a little simpler. I'm so glad we did. It was such a sweet day, I loved every second of it.

That next morning, I think it was close to three or four a.m. when we said our second "goodbye". I thought I wouldnt see you again. At this point, I knew I was falling for you. When I held you, and you said goodbye, I didnt care that there were four people watching me sob, and kiss you goodbye. As you drove away, I watched you drive away as far as I could see, before crawling back into our make shift bed on the couch, and cried my eyes out. I missed you already.

Oddly enough, we had several more of those. Darn military, not knowing when you're actually leaving! :) Maybe thats why, I didnt cry and hold you the last time. I had already let go. My heart just could bleed anymore. Or maybe, I just thought I needed to be strong for you. Then when I finally got to the hotel room, it bled just a little more.. and my heart ached more then I thought possible. Its funny, as much as it hurt to say goodbye.. It felt even greater to be with you.. and to know how much I care about you.

I hope we get another wonderful day in the park together, with the kids. You're such a great dad, and when I see you with your daughter, it makes me fall for you all over again. I hope you know that she may not understand now, but she will. You will be her hero, and she will be so very very proud of you! Just like me! If I get the chance some day, I will tell her just how often you spoke of her, how much you told me you loved her, and the pain I seen you go through to provide a life for her! She is so lucky to have you as a father, and whether your ex grasps it or not, you deserve and need to be in her life! I love that you fight for her :)

Well, this is kind of a ramble, but I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I guess this letter writing every day is as good for me as it is for you! I get to throw all my thoughts out there, and feel better.. and you get to know that I am thinking about you daily. Always..

Praying for you, and wishing you the warmest holiday wishes!
Love you,
love,
ME!

Pictures motage'

Heres the pictures I love the most of you....

and the pictures I know you love the most of me :)

Plus a few of the kid-o's!

a little tribute to... "us"...

Sleeping next to you.

Dear Soldier,

Do you know what I am missing most of all today? Laying next to you, and you giving me the best back rubs in the world. I could spend forever laying by you, and having you rub my head. MMM it makes me want to melt! I really.. really miss that :)

I wish I would be laying next you tonight, and ever night.

Love you,

Love,

Me

p.s. I'll write more later, this was just a thought I needed to share with you!

YOU DID IT!

Dear Soldier,

You did it! You survived Christmas alone! YAY you! See I knew you were strong! I also hope you made it through the whole day with out punching someone in the face. Last time I talked to you, it was only 7 am so you had just gotten started. You scrooge! Hopefuly, thinking about kissing me under the mistle toe made you a little happier.. I'm sure you weren't sporting a santa hat, and shouting out "ho ho ho" but maybe.. just maybe... you didn't look like the grinch!

My day was nice, but I missed you! We woke up and had presents. Santa is coming twice, because we are waiting for my niece and nephews mother to come tomorrow and we'll open more presents. So my little man only got a few presents, but he was thrilled. Afterwards we had breakfast and then went to my aunts for the day. It was simple, but plesent, and it was nice seeing all my family.My mom gave me some things from Ikea that I like, including a bambo plant, with this cool vase. I was very excited. That alone, proves i'm a grown up!

In a few minutes i'm heading over to a friends house to hang out, and share a few beers. All my friends from town, will be there, so again it'll be nice to see some old friends. Did you end up doing anything? Did you stay busy enough to just plain forget it was happening?

I got some picture taken, but I'm not a huge fan of any of them... For some reason I havent been taking very good pictures lately, and its really starting to frusterate me. I was hopeing we would take some half way decent ones, that I could stick in your package, but I guess we'll have to try again tomorrow! Anyways.. i'll attatch a few christmas ones for you enjoyment....

Missing you like crazy, and wishing you were here with me to cuddle up and watch lifetime Christmas movies and drink hot coco!

love...love.. love you!

ME!

Phone Calls

Dear Soldier,
I got to talk to you tonight! It was Christmas morning for you, and the eve of Christmas for me, but it was by far my best Christmas present this year. I knew I missed you, but I didn't realize quite how much until I heard your voice.

Any anger I had towards you from the past, slipped slowly away as I heard you talk, and the ease of our conversation soothed my mind. Have you noticed how well our conversations flow? I thought it would make our time unbearable to be reminded of how well we are together, but it some how eases my mind. Like somehow I wasnt imagining it. That we really do have something special. I love you. I always will.. I'm sure that it was silly rushing into things the way we did. Yet, thats the thing with feelings, you just cant control them.

So there I was unsure of how I feel, or why I felt it. Until tonight.... When I heard your voice drip through my speakers. Some how relieving me of the questions. There still there, but the weight of them doesn't seem quite so heavy. I know now that, no matter what I have you. That I may not have what I thought I wanted, but things happen for a reason. I wouldn't give up having you in my life for anything!

I know you said that you're hateing Christmas there. That you want to punch the next guy that wishes you a Merry Christmas, but I really hope that you do... have a Merry Christmas. That something today, fills your heart with joy. Maybe think about me Kissing you under the mistle toe.

Maybe when you're home, we'll have to celebrate all the holidays you'll have missed. We could have turkey for lunch, kiss under mistle toe, and drink champagne and make out like mad! (do you see a theme here.. a whole lot of kissing!) I think it sounds like a really fabulous day... but better yet, lets make it a week, I think I'll want to take my time with EVERY SINGLE make-shift holiday!

Merry Christmas Baby, and I promise you'll get my present soon. I really hope you enjoy it, and all the hand written letters! (that smell just like me, I promise!)

Love you,
Love,
ME

Christmas Eve

Dear Soldier,

Last night was a fun filled night. Lots of drinks, old friends, and laughter. It was nice seeing everyone, there is nothing like "coming home".. I'm sure you really know what I'm talking about. Even in the midst of having fun, I still thought of you. My thoughts drift to you at the oddest moments. Some times someone will tell me of a high school friend joined the army, or politics will be brought up and I'll think of you. Other times I'll see someone smile and it reminds me of yours. I'll hear a joke, and think "I have to remember to tell him that!" I'll see a couple embrace, and wish I could feel the warmth of your hand on my lower back, or the sound of your voice whispering quick secrets in my ear.

I cant wait for you to come home for R&R! I hope its around my birthday, because there is no one I would rather spend it with. You make me smile, and melt that just you alone would be the most amazing present of all.

I hope that you aren't too sad during the Holidays, and I hope you know that every Christmas wish I've made has been for you. For your safety, for your happiness, and for "us". (well besides the ones i've made for my boy.. :) ) SO here is to the happiest of years, and to the hope of spending future Holidays together!

I love you, my Soldier. Hope you enjoyed the video, even though it was rather short and cheesey. I'll try and post them occassionaly, as a treat.

See you in my dreams,
Me.

Merry Christmas :)

Dear Soldier,

Although it's not Christmas, quite yet, I wanted to send you Christmas wishes, all the way over here from me :)

Enjoy!

love,

ME

Dearest Soldier

Dear Soldier,

I miss you almost every second. Sometimes when I think about you, my heart breaks just a little. I wish you were with me so that I could smell you again. To feel your hands move the hair out of my face, or see the look on your face when we make love. I wish I could hold your hand as I fall asleep, and hear your breath slow as you drift off. I miss so many little things. I just wish I could have had you for a little bit longer.

How is Iraq? I'm sure as you are dying of heat, I am suffering through the cold. The snow is flying, and the piles of snow are building up. I think it would be so fun to smash a snowball in your face right now :) Then lay down in make snow angels, and go sledding with our kids. Just know you would be cremed with many-many snow balls.

Soon New Years will come, and you'll be there, and I'll be here. I'll be ringing in the New Year with out a kiss from you. Just know when the clock strikes midnight, you will be in my thoughts, and maybe i'll be able to remember the taste of your lips on mine. MMMM... your soft lips against mine.

I hope you remember me with the same softness and fondness as I remember you. Even though things are different, and harder... Know that I do still Love you. Whether we should say that word or not, I still do. With all my heart!

I'll pray for you before I fall asleep tonight, and maybe if i'm lucky, you'll be in my dreams again tonight.

Miss you,
BIG HUGS & KISSES

ME!