The day you left...

Dear Soldier,

In every movie, tv show, and book the goodbyes are always so romantic. Long passionate kisses goodbyes. Long looks into each others eyes, hugs that could last for hours.....

Ours was less then that, in so many ways. I have apologized for the way things went the day you left, and I think I need to reiterate that point... I wish that I would have held you longer, kissed you more passionately, and never faught. I wish I would have made love to you, and held you all night. I wish I would have told you how amazing you were, and looked you in the eyes, so I could memorize every color and spec. I wish I would have touched your face, and kissed your kneck. I wish that our goodbye could have been something to hold on to, instead of something I want to forget.

So instead of the goodbye.. I want to remember another special moment. Do you remember walking in the park? We were so careful about the kids. We didn't want them to see us together yet, so I finally pulled you behind the car and kissed you. I couldnt take not being able to feel you against me for one more second. Your smile, melted me into a puddle.

We walked along all the gardens, letting the kids run in front of us, picking up acorns and wallnuts. You picked "your princess" a flower, and my "little mister" plucked it right from her hands. I dont think she even minded. (what a sweet girl!) You held my hand and wrapped your arms around my waist. It was such a perfect afternoon. I had all my favorite people together. We had planned on going to the zoo, but instead we decided to do things a little simpler. I'm so glad we did. It was such a sweet day, I loved every second of it.

That next morning, I think it was close to three or four a.m. when we said our second "goodbye". I thought I wouldnt see you again. At this point, I knew I was falling for you. When I held you, and you said goodbye, I didnt care that there were four people watching me sob, and kiss you goodbye. As you drove away, I watched you drive away as far as I could see, before crawling back into our make shift bed on the couch, and cried my eyes out. I missed you already.

Oddly enough, we had several more of those. Darn military, not knowing when you're actually leaving! :) Maybe thats why, I didnt cry and hold you the last time. I had already let go. My heart just could bleed anymore. Or maybe, I just thought I needed to be strong for you. Then when I finally got to the hotel room, it bled just a little more.. and my heart ached more then I thought possible. Its funny, as much as it hurt to say goodbye.. It felt even greater to be with you.. and to know how much I care about you.

I hope we get another wonderful day in the park together, with the kids. You're such a great dad, and when I see you with your daughter, it makes me fall for you all over again. I hope you know that she may not understand now, but she will. You will be her hero, and she will be so very very proud of you! Just like me! If I get the chance some day, I will tell her just how often you spoke of her, how much you told me you loved her, and the pain I seen you go through to provide a life for her! She is so lucky to have you as a father, and whether your ex grasps it or not, you deserve and need to be in her life! I love that you fight for her :)

Well, this is kind of a ramble, but I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. I guess this letter writing every day is as good for me as it is for you! I get to throw all my thoughts out there, and feel better.. and you get to know that I am thinking about you daily. Always..

Praying for you, and wishing you the warmest holiday wishes!
Love you,
love,
ME!