:)

Dear Soldier,
I stayed up again, all night. Literally all night. I finally made it to bed for a few hours at 9am. I started the book yesterday night, and just couldnt stop. As tears streamed down my face and I could barely see the words, I thought of you. I did the whole "choking sob" while sniffing back tears and snot. Ya, it was pretty hot.

I am excited for you to get your package so that you can read the book. I think you will enjoy it, or at least I hope so. I had so much fun putting everything together,and I'm thinking this will have to be a regular occurance. I dont feel like I am able to do enough for you, so to know I can send you a little piece of home was exciting. I hope that it warms your heart, and makes you think of me.

It was fun seeing you today online, and I am sorry I refused to get on cam. My hair was unwashed, my face was puffy from lack of sleep and crying, and I was still in my PJ's. yuck! It was so nice seeing you smile. You have such a beautiful smile. The sweet things you say to me stick with me all week, and they make me feel giddy with excitement about you all over again. I cant wait until we can sit across from eachother at a table and hold hands and whisper sweet nothings into eachothers ears.. or well at least laugh together..! :) I still remember sitting at that little bar in one of the back rooms drinking beers and talking. I wanted to hold your hand so bad, but didnt know if you were feeling the same way. I am so glad that we eventually held hands.

Well anyways the phone just rang, I should probably run and grab it. but I love you and i'll write soon :)
love you
love
me!

...

Dear Soldier,
I was walking today through the store. Browsing books, and reading the backs for the synopsis. Considering a few, before placing them back on the shelves. I was waiting for my pictures to print, when I seen a plain looking book with a royal blue cover. It had gold writing, and a small picture of a man and child all outlined in gold. It popped out from all the rest, and when I read a few of the first words, the hair on the back of my kneck stood up.. I got goose bumps. It was about a journal that Soldier in Iraq wrote for his son. I purchased it along with everything I needed for your care package. Within the first chapter I was in tears. My heart raced as his girlfriend and mother of his child talked about her husband...his life, and his untimely death.

I guess its the one thing we never talked about. We've never talked about you dyeing. I guess you have settled my thoughts, and it sounds as if it is less dangerous then when the war first started, but every day that I hear about another Soldier dyeing it makes my stomach tighten, and I hold my breath until I hear a name. I then think, there might be a girl behind that name. A girl just like me who loves her soldier more then anything. Who thinks about him every time she sees a flag, and who feels so proud of him when she hears the National Anthem played at sporting events. Who counts down the days until he is home, and who fingers the framed photo of him every night before she goes to bed. Who wishes her blanket still smelled like him, and who prayed every night that he would return to her. Then my heart aches for them, and tears glisten in my eyes.

Yesterday when we were on cam together, you could tell I was about to cry. No one else could've been able to do that. You see me.. you see me more then anyone else does. The way you noticed the way my eyes got shiny, and I breathed in deeper. To anyone else I would've simply looked tired, but you seen. You knew. Thats when I realized that even though our time together physically has been so short, we have a connection that has been lost on most of the men that have come into my life. Due to the fact that we have spent more time apart then together, we haev a connection that is more mental then physical. You desire conversation (well I know you desire more, but distance puts a little damper on that!) and letters. You enjoy my smile, and the way I scrunch my face when I find something funny, but not quite funny enough to laugh out loud. You have come to notice the little things. I think thats why I love you.

soldier, I never intended to fall for someone in the military. I never thought I would see you after our first date. Now here we are. I am still so incredibly in love with you. I know things are difficult and hard. I know that you long for freedom to be able to do what you want without worrying about me.. or any girl for that matter. I know that you were hurt.. and we BOTH know the hurt of betrayal in a relationship. I know that you are scared, and you are going to try and distance yourself from anyone that makes you "feel" again. Its easier to be with someone who asks nothing, then to someone you would give anything for. I know this.. and yet I still crave you. I will still wait for you. I will still love you.

I dont know if there will come a day that I will wake up, and not love you as much as the day before. I dont know if i'll meet someone some day that will make me laugh more then you, or feel more.. or care more. I dont know. I want you to know that I am not angry at you. That I love you unconditionaly and that there will always be a part of me that loves you. I may not be a army girlfriend.. but I am in love with a soldier... who I know loves me back, and thats all that matters.

Baby I love you VERY very much.
Until we speak again,
Love you,
love
me.

I'm leaving on a jet plane...

Dear Soldier,

I'm officialy moving. Just re-reading that sentence gave me the chills. I have moved over 30 times in my life, and yet, this is the farthest I've ever been from "home." BUT i'm a big girl now, and where I am, is now where my "home" is. So I'm off to my new home as of the 28th of this month. (yikes!)

I have decided with this move, is going to be a complete "brittany" make over. My social life, my relationship with God, my health, and my finances. Time to get all my bills paid off, and start working out again. I want to be hot and healthy when you come home ;) ! Its time that I just get myself in order, and take this time to really work on myself. No crutches, no excuses. It'll be amazing to have my brother and my father there to help push me. They are great at that kind of stuff, so it'll be nice to have a work out partner, and some one to hold me accountable. So when I meet you at the airport in April or may.. you'll be like "wow, who is this hot babe kissing me?!" (lol)

I'll keep you updated with pictures and stuff.. so you can see me getting "buff!" ha ha. Well i'm off to bake you your "treats" for your care package, and then I need to pick up pictures and i'll get it in the mail. I'm excited for you to get everything! I hope it'll make you feel as special as I think you are.

I love you honey!

love you,

love,

me

Go Gators!

Dear Soldier,

Its official! I am a floridian at heart. I dont know what it is about the FL Gators, but they have captured my heart. I haven't had a college FB favorite before, not even to the Huskers.... so when I turned on the Gators (vs sooners/OK) game tonight I was captured by the excitement, the fan pride, and just the entire thing got my heart racing! I even yelled at the television! ME! shocked?

It was then that I realized, I am going where I am supposed to be going. I am so thrilled about my decision, and I am seeing more and more signs. Tonight I started talking to some people in FL and one of them happens to be a really strong Christian. It will be such a blessing to be surrounded by strong christian peers. It just makes me so incredibly happy!I know you'll always be a "Husker" (though I like red and black better then the orange and blue combo, but fasion aside! lol) I think I have official converted. Sorry babe!

I am missing you a lot tonight, and I was totally hopeing you'd be on when I got on YM tonight, and I hope I didnt miss you! Cant wait to see you on cam again... you're very hot self!

Sorry if this was a ramble of a post, but I was in the process of watching the game still, and GATORS win the game :)!

Love you,

Love,

me

Florida

Dear Soldier,

Its funny how our lives are going on with out each other. The days still come, and we still have to live... I think its a good thing, I just remember feeling like my life was going to be put on pause until you came back here. Now my life is changing more then ever...

In a few weeks i'll be heading to Florida... ahh the beautiful state of Florida. The move hasnt stressed me out just yet, but I feel it coming. I wish you were coming with me. I would love to lie on the beach with, make sand castles, and swim in the ocean. It would be incredibly perfect. I am so excited to bring my little man there, I know he'll love it.

I'll make sure to take lots of videos and pictures from the beach, just to let you know how much I'm thinking about you, and tell you all about our adventures..

sorry this one has to be short, but I'm off to visit family.

I love you! (very much!)
love,
ME

love you!

Dear Soldier,

I finished my book last night. It took me three days of reading nearly around the clock, but I finished at 4:30 am this morning. I just couldn't put it down. Some time last night, something clicked in my head. This story, felt like us. Let me explain.

The book was based of the book of Hosea. How Hosea felt God telling him to marry a prostitute Gomer. (but the book is modernized to the 1800 gold country) She kept running away, and he kept bringing her back. She was unfaithful and yet he had a steadfast love for her, and trusted that God knew what he was doing in her life. In the book I was reading the lady was so hardened by being used. She would throw her past in his face in order to hurt him, in order to push him away. She thought it was only a matter of time before he didn't love her, and he would send her away. It took years and years before her heart found Jesus and she was able to fully love this man, who loved her through out some of the utmost worst circumstances you could ever imagine.

It reminded me of our biggest problem. My past. I know you struggled with me telling you my past secrets, and I didnt really know why I was telling you these things. I think I was so scared that you loved someone and you didnt even really know her. I felt that if I didnt tell you, that you would find out eventually and be disgusted. I was guarding my heart so tight, that if I didnt let you in and I scared you away it would be easier. I know I sounded proud at times, but that wasn't real pride, it was shame. All you wanted to do was to make love to me, and I couldnt even do that. I had given so much of myself, that it scared me so bad to think that you loved me, that you wanted me, regardless of my past, regardless of all the horrible things that I had done, and that had been done to me. You looked past those sins, just as Christ has. I am not comparing you to God, because of course, there is no one like him. BUT your faith is what is different about you. I dont think that God blessed our premarital sex, but I think he blessed your heart. I think he knew what he was doing.

I am sorry that I didnt listen to you, and wait until it was special. I am sorry that my heart was in such a wrong place, when we met. I am not saying I am a horrible person, I was always a good person, but now my heart is in a better place. I am able to love you, for the right reasons. BECAUSE I know you loved me for all the right reasons... (well most of the time.. lol)

I love you soldier, for seeing past everything that I couldnt.
I love you
Love
me!

Thank you!

gave me chills, THANK YOU BABY! You really are my hero!

(man I always well up during commercials!)

Sorry...

Dear Soldier,

For some reason, I feel awful that I did not write yesterday. Its the least I can do, but I forgot. I simply forgot. I spent the day lounging and watching movies. Although I did write you a hand written letter, so I guess i'm not completely horrible! (lol)

How have you been darling? Are you staying safe and thinking about me? I dreamed about you again last night, somehow you have found your way into my dreams every night recently. My philosphy is if I am thinking about you, and you are thinking about me at the very same time, right before I go to bed, then somehow, you magicaly appear in my dreams. BUT if you think about me as much as I think about you, then there really wouldnt be a whole hell of a lot of time that I dont cross your mind :) {did that make sense?} I am just merely happy that I get you at all... even if it is in my dreams.

Last night I dreamed about kissing you. I dreamed we were strolling down the street hand in hand. Bundled up with scarfs, hats and mittons. The snow was fluttering down silently, in an perfectly played orchestra. White surrounding us, and smiles on our faces. Contentment warmed me, and when you stopped me, placing your hand upon my face my eyes looked at yours. snowflakes captured in my eye lashes. You tilted your head, and guided mine with your hand. Your lips parted, and your eyes closed. I kept mine open for an extra second longer, just to look at you for one more moment, to study your face, to remember the perfect memory of this kiss. Your lips reached mine, and I felt the moisture and the passion. Your other hand pushed me closer to you, and rested on my lower back. Your tongue entering my mouth, and chills rush up my spine. We were intune with eachother, the kissing magical not methodic. You knew what I wanted before I asked, and I couldnt get enough. Then just before passion could overtake us completely, we were bombarded by snow balls.

I live for dreams like this honey, and I only pray that dreams become reality some day. So, while you are surviving the desert, i'll survive the tundra.. and in several months, i'll meet you in the middle.

waiting for summer....
Love you,
love,
me!

dreaming about you!

Dear Soldier,
Last night I slept for 12 hours. Yes.. 12! I agree... it was rediculous, but it felt SOOO good. I realized at 7:30 am when I woke up out of routine that I had nothing. Not one thing, that I needed to do today. No child to run after, pick up after, feed, or clean! No meetings, no pending business. Nothing. *sigh* so I slept, and I slept, and I slept! I kept dreaming of you, and I kept forcing myself back to sleep. Just in case I could hold on to you one more minute, in my dreams.

In my last dream we were sitting in this coffee shop in the corner of this little cafe. The walls were brick, and there was a fire place. The logs were burning, and the warmness made it feel so cozy. There were these pretty painted plates above the mantel and the waitresses were dressed in colorful t-shirts. I was sitting indian style (sorry if thats not politicly correct, but I have no clue how else to state that.. lol) per usual in the booth, holding your hand. You were looking at me with that look I seen so often. You lips had this simple, satisfied smile spread across them, and I was telling you this story, with all the animation and "facial expressions" that I know you love. It wasn't anything spectacular, it was normal. I wish we would have had more time to just have normal dates........

Then I woke up, and after hours of forcing myself to sleep, I realized it was passed lunch time! My gosh, I thought, i'm being FAR too lazy today. So I forced myself "up and at em' " and went upstairs to visit with my mother, and my niece & nephew. It's been fun to spend time with them, especially since i'll be leaving soon.

I am sorry that I havent been home to mail those letters, but trust me as soon as I make it back home that'll be the first thing I'll put in the mail. Is there anything else you would like me to send? Just let me know and i'll be sure to put it in. I keep finding little random things, that I know you will like, and sticking them in there as well. Mention to your mom that she can put stuff in there too, and we can mail them all at once. :) So you can have a big wonderful care package coming your way.

Well I suppose I've been lazy long enough. Its off to the shower, and then maybe i'll mosey around town, and get wraped up in its charm!

Wishing you were here, and missing you like crazy! Hope to talk to you soon!
Love you,
Love,
Me!

(these are pictures of my parents town.. such a quaint little town!)

Happy New Years VIDEO :)

Hey honey, I made this video, just waking up on New Years morning. Its really dark and fuzzy (i need to invest in a video camera, or at least a stand) but at least you'll get the sound of my voice! I love you very much, and here it is, my messy hair, smeared make up and all :) !

love you,
love,
me

HAPPY NEW YEARS!

Dear Soldier,

I wrote a letter that I posted in a moment of regreat. I deleted it before you could see it, because I knew that in the morning I would wish I had never have posted it. Sometimes it is hard, and you know what I'm talking about... BUT moments like last night make everything better.

Spending New years eve with you was amazing. Even though we were hundreds upon thousands upon BAZILLION-MILLIONS of miles apart, via webcam I had one of my best New Years eves, ever! Drinking sparkiling wine, and seeing you :). Total bliss.

You are so handsome. I was startled again, by how handsome you are. It reminded me of our first date again. How awe struck I was by your features. Your tan skin, and your dark hair. Your beautiful eyes, and the way your lips part into a perfect smile. You are my "ideal" man in so many ways. You are so gorgeous, and I am so blessed that you want me in your life.

I love that you find me beautiful. Of course there are others, that have told me I was pretty, but when you tell me it, you make me believe it. I dont know if its the look on your face or the tone in your voice, but I believe you when you tell me that I'm pretty. I believe you when you tell me that you love me.

If you dont get extended, I really hope that we get to have New Years together again next year! Only next year, I hope I get to be sitting with my legs across your body, watching movies, cuddled up on the couch. Then when the clock moves itself closer to midnight, we'll turn on the news, and watch the ball drop. Making out like crazy, and then making love. :) That would be my perfect New Years next year. Of course, I would love to eventually go to New York, and watch the ball drop in person, BUT next year, I want you all to myself. I want to be able to soak you all up!

Well, I'll post a video some time today... and i'll try and make it a little bit longer!
I LOVE YOU HONEY.. and I hope you had a little fun on new years!

LOVE YOU,
LOVE,
ME!